Do you even know how glamorous we are, Miami? So glamorous! Here, look at this photo of the Design District, where we all shop  LOL.

Do you even know how glamorous we are, Miami? So glamorous! Here, look at this photo of the Design District, where we all shop LOL.

Miami

Forget the daily terrors and aggravations: COVID, the housing crisis, rampant income inequity, non existent public transportation, hurricanes, bad drivers, drunk boaters, carpetbagging tech bros, people who eat food in the grocery store before they pay for it.

Forget them all, and know this: Miami is the most glamorous city in America.

You know how we know this is true? Lawnstarter.com says it is true, and who would have its finger on the pulse of glamour more accurately than a website that helps you price lawn maintenance services?

Lawnstarter examined the 50 biggest U.S. cities across 20 key “glam” factors: including high-end jewelry and cosmetics stores, Michelin-starred restaurants, 5-star hotels, Fashion Week events and household wealth (not our household). The number of unnecessary cosmetic surgeries per household was not a factor, but even so Miami was proclaimed the “ritziest, glitziest, and trendiest” of all American cities, and yes, that presumably includes Kendall.

Here’s what the study said: “Sunny Miami dominates our ranking of the Most Glamorous Cities with more cocktail bars, lounges, and nightclubs per 100,000 residents than anywhere else in the U.S. But it’s in the beauty, fashion, and shopping category that Miami really shines. Miami took the top spot in a whopping four shopping-related metrics: luxury fashion, jewelry, watch, and perfume shops. There’s no better place in American to party hard and spend on bling than The Magic City.”

We can only hope Lawnstarter is better at assessing the fanciness of urban living than it is at deploying late ’90s lingo.

The other top five glam cities in the U.S., according to the study, are New York, San Francisco, Las Vegas and Atlanta. Tampa ranked no. 8 and Jacksonville no. 43, which is odd because let’s face it, nobody from Miami can tell them apart.

The least glamorous city was Corpus Christi, Texas, with El Paso, Texas; Bakersfield, California; Wichita, Kansas and Fresno, California, filling out the bottom five spots. Get with the program, Fresno. Maybe open a few more luxury watch shops and Brazilian butt lift clinics.

Connie Ogle loves wine, books and the Miami Heat. Please don’t make her eat a mango.